I understand how it happens. You’re making a little money now, and there’s nothing like paying taxes to kindle a fierce interest in politics. Your house is probably worth less than you paid for it, you’re worried about job security, your kids are growing up and you start wondering what kind of America they’re going to live in. Suddenly, maybe for the first time, you’re really paying attention to politics, and boy are you angry.

Do us all a favor, OK? Take a little advice from those of us who have been paying attention for awhile. Study a little history, or failing that, listen to those who have. Then chill out a little bit.

Let’s see… we have a Democrat in the oval office, right? Let’s go down the list. He’s going to take away our guns, put the United States under control of the United Nations, drive energy costs through the roof, tear down traditional American values and destroy the traditional American family, inflate the defecit to such an outrageous extent that our entire economy will collapse, obliterate our healthcare system, make us all get abortions, get all our kids hooked on drugs, and just generally degrade the entire moral fabric of our society to the point where we’ll all be out in the front yard screwing the dog in broad daylight and cleaning up the mess with an American flag. Oh, and he’ll probably let a whole family of those damned, dirty Mexicans move in right next door.

Does that pretty much cover it?

See, here’s the part you’re missing – all of that stuff is what the right wing claimed Jimmy Carter was going to do. You remember Jimmy Carter, right? Yeah, Democrat. Elected President of the United States in 1976. Thirty-four years ago. Now Jimbo did a pretty lousy job, but that’s not the point. The point is that none of the above happened, in spite of all the screaming about it.

Twelve years later Bill Clinton was elected, and the right wing started screaming exactly the same things. Bill was even worse though, because in addition to all the above, he was also going to teach all of our third-graders to masturbate. I’m no fan of the Clinton administration – the bastard lied under oath and he should have been tossed out on his ass – but once again, not a single one of those terrible things came about. By some miracle, when Bill’s term came to an end, we still had our guns, we could still afford to put gas in the Buick, we were actually running a budget surplus, and my dog remained unscrewed. At least by me, anyway.

So now we’ve got another Democrat in there, and the right wing trots out the same tired old crap. What I’m suggesting here is that instead of being practically overwhelmed with shock and outrage, maybe your reaction should be more along the lines of “Geez, can’t you guys come up with something new to get hysterical about?”

See, there’s an entire industry out there that is built on stoking your outrage. They need you to be outraged. They need you to be furious. They need these things because that way you will buy their books, and watch their TV shows, and listen to their radio programs. You are being played like a fiddle, and the folks who are playing you are whistling the tune all the way to the bank. They are making a killing, and the hotter they can make you, the more they make.

But don’t feel bad. Those blithering idiots over on the left get played the same way. Every Republican since Nixon has been an evil mastermind who is going to sell the country to the Military-Industrial complex, reinstate the draft, let big business call all the shots, rape the planet, tap all of our phones, drop a nuclear bomb on somebody, put videocameras in our bedrooms (presumably because you might be in there with the dog) and bring back slavery. You might notice none of that has happened either.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have an opinion. I’m just saying that mixing a little cynicism and restraint in there might be a good idea. Remember how stupid all those shrieking liberals looked a few years ago, constantly going on and on about how Bush was the antichrist and Cheney was Darth Vader? You’re not coming across any better when you’re doing the same thing from the opposite side.

- Ken