Olympiad Schmolympiad
A few of the many things that bug me about the olympics.
1. If an event has to be scored by judges, then as far as I’m concerned it’s not a sport. It may be a competition, but it’s not a sport. A sport is seeing who can get from Point A to Point B the fastest, or seeing who can put the puck in the net or the ball in the basket the most times. If the whole point of the activity is impressing a judge or a set of judges, who will determine how good you did and who won, then that’s not a sport. That’s a job interview.
And don’t give me any of that crap about how hard it is. Figure skating, for example. Yes, I’m sure it’s hard. Yes, I know they work hours and hours for years and years. That’s great, but it has nothing to do with the conversation. Pouring concrete is hard too, and nobody calls that a sport.
2. It irritates the hell out of me hearing about how many medals guys like Michael Phelps or Apolo Ohno won at the olympics. You know why they win so many? Because there are 47 different types of swimming, and 52 types of speed skating, each of which gets its very own medal.
“Swim from this end of the pool to that end of the pool. Good job! Here are some medals. Now swim from this end to that end 4 times. Good job! Here are some more medals. Now swim from this end to that end with one finger stuck in your left nostril. Good job, have some medals!”
Skating is the same way. You have sprints, and non-sprints, and 2000 meter races, 200 meter races, 195 meter races, and if you don’t fall down or knock someone over the odds are good you’ll win a half-dozen medals. At the next winter olympics I expect to see paired speed skaters, each with one leg stuck in a potato sack.
If hockey was handled like skating, you’d have medals for shooting, medals for skating, medals for checking, medals for 20-minute, 60-minute, and 90-minute games, with and without sticks. Instead, you’ve got 400 guys competing for one gold medal in men’s hockey, while Ohno gets 3 gold medals for lacing his skates up and a bronze for remembering his helmet.
3. I’m sick to death of all the stories about noble parents sacrificing everything to take their kid to the rink or the gym or the slopes at 4AM every morning. Parents who quit jobs, parents who sold businesses, parents who had vital internal organs removed and replaced with bags of sawdust in order to support their children’s olympic ambitions.
I’m sure all of this seems like a good trade-off for the 1-in-5000 who now get to see their kid on a Wheaties box, but how about we see some stories about the other 4999? All those people who sacrificed everything and ruined the poor kid’s childhood, only to find themselves with a 26-year old basket case with no education and no job prospects.
In any other context we would call this sickness, obsession, and lousy parenting, but when NBC decides they need to boost ratings by tugging at your heartstrings, it becomes noble and praiseworthy.
4. Can we please declare a 6-month moratorium on the word ‘inspirational‘ now?
Babe Ruth was a great baseball player because he could hit the crap out of a baseball. Wayne Gretzky was a great hockey player because he scored a bunch of goals. Michael Jordan was a great basketball player because he scored a lot of baskets. Dick Butkus was a great football player because he pounded the living shit out of people. Back then, doing great things on the court, the ice, or the field was enough.
Now, your in-game performance is not enough. Now, you must also have triumphed over adversity. You must be inspirational. Maybe you’ve conquered personal demons. Maybe you’ve overcome having obsessive, overbearing parents who dragged you to the rink at 4AM every morning and destroyed your childhood. Whatever.
During the last summer olympics we got to hear how most of the athletes overcame a childhood of poverty and neglect – except for the swimmers. Most of the swimmers had to overcome crushing disappointment because Daddy bought them a BMW instead of a Mercedes. Kind of the same deal with the winter olympics. Let’s face it – winter sports are not for poor people, so mostly we got to hear about how they overcame the crushing pressure of high expectations. You know, the pressure from expectations that were created by the same media people who are now telling us these kids are heroes for overcoming it.
But in a way, I guess it all was kind of inspirational. It inspired me to turn off the goddamned TV, anyway.
- Ken
I remember going to the ball diamond on my bicycle for baseball practice, parents showing up for the game, and you got ice cream from the snack shack at the end. That was normal fun. Back then, there were only a few parents that were sure they had the next pro sports star. Back then, they were just an abnormal thing that everyone endured until you could get some ice cream. Now, it’s the norm.
Now it seems you have 2 extremes; Kids who do nothing but video games and kids that the very least are going to get that scholarship from sports. If I had to place bets, I’d say the video gamers are going to make more money. They’ll be jacked up on Prozac and hate life, but there’s more money there. Somehow, the over-hyped high-school athlete always ends up with an injury that places them out of the game. It’s never that they just got bored with it or they weren’t that good.
I hate that the kids don’t really have a local spot. You have to run them all over the place for games. I don’t know when that started, but what a pain. My only rule was if you start the season, you have to end it, even if you are just playing with a caterpillar in the outfield.
Anyhow, I’m with you on the tuning out on the Olympics. Boring stuff and boring athletes. I did always want to see one of those plastic disk sleds go down the bobsled track though.
Speaking of bobsledding, here’s an exciting bobsled video – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9upWn_eNYs.
If you don’t watch out, folks will think of you as a subversive… and then the Dept of Homeland Security will get involved; and then your life will be like Dr. Hunter S Thompson’s life — only entitled “Fear and Loathing in the Winter Olympics.” Or something like that.
Oh, yeah, you’re thinking individually, like freely. Keep on, Dude!
“There are only three sports: bullfighting, motor racing, and mountaineering; all the rest are merely games.” -Ernest Hemingway
Though I will admit (as I did on that old forum, you know the one?) that I have an inexplicable interest in women’s curling.
That’s an awesome quote, Brent – thanks for posting it.
And I suspect your fascination with Women’s Curling may have to do with a latent, deeply hidden, and socially unacceptable appreciation for seeing a woman use a broom.
Actually, Dick Butkus’ contribution to my life is his name, which, frankly, never gets old. Not for one minute.